What's a 'Good, Bad Song'?

I love songs that are so bad, they are good. Having grown up in the golden age of Good Bad Songs, the 1960s and 70s, I have heard many. But I want more. That is where you come in.

I’d like to hear your nominations for my Good Bad Song (GBS) playlist. When I mention this musical concept, people always have suggestions but many miss the mark. For example, the song “Muskrat Love” by The Captain and Tennille always comes up with its screeching synthesizer sounds of muskrat love-making. That unquestionably is a “Bad, Bad Song.’” There is nothing good about it.

Or someone will suggest a song they don’t like. “I Shot the Sheriff,” by Eric Clapton is an example. No. This is not a GBS. You may not like it, but it’s a song that has artistic merit. By contrast, GBSs are over-the-top schlock, with a good beat and singable lyrics, particularly after a few beers. However, GBSs have no redeeming artistic quality.

Let me repeat this: Good Bad Songs fail every test of musical excellence, but they can get in your head and are fun to sing along with. Many times, GBSs are “story songs” — someone’s done somebody wrong or Joe Six Pack is fightin’ the man. However, please take note that not all story songs are bad; “Wichita Lineman” and “A Boy Named Sue” are great story songs.

Here’s another GBS misconception. Good Bad Songs are not “guilty pleasures” like Britney Spears, boy bands, or Hallmark Christmas movies. I consider guilty pleasures to be when the artist knows they are not making art and the audience is in on it. On the other hand, artists who make Good Bad Songs think the music they are making is good.

For example, I am sure that Wayne Newton thinks that “Daddy Don’t You Walk So Fast” should have won a Grammy. It should not; it is a GBS. R. Dean Taylor was probably convinced that adding police sirens to “Indiana Wants Me” put the song in a different league — yes, the GBS league.

GBSs can be popular. Starship’s horrible “We Built This City” made it to #1 and is a GBS because when I hear it, I am awe struck that rock legend Grace Slick thought it was worth recording. It’s like being the producer of “The Emoji Movie” — “hey, we know it’s aggressively and offensively bad but let’s put it out there and see what happens. “

Others have their own misguided views on what makes a Good Bad Song but mine is definitive. Let me explain further by showing you my favorites GBSs:

“One Tin Solider” (theme from the movie Billy Jack), by the Original Caste. Judgment Day has come for this song, and the verdict is Good Bad. By the way, this movie has one of the best good/bad movie scenes ever when Billy Jack confronts the bad guy:

Billy Jack: You know what I think I'm gonna do then? Just for the hell of it?

Posner: Tell me.

Billy Jack: I’m gonna take this right foot, and I’m gonna whop you on that side of your face…[points to Posner’s right cheek]

Billy Jack: …and you wanna know something? There’s not a damn thing you’re gonna be able to do about it. [kicks Posner in the right cheek, knocking him out.]

“Convoy” by C.W. McCall. Yeah, Rubber Ducks got a “Jimmy haulin’ hogs” but this is 18 wheels of awful.

“Seasons in the Sun” by Terry Jacks about a dying man. This song should have been euthanized in the recording studio.

“Run Joey Run” by David Geddes is about a crazed gun-toting father. The yelling of “watch out!” near the end may be the single worst good/bad moment in GBS history.

“Wildfire” by Michael Martin Murphy seems to be about a ghost horse. Let me declare here and now that every song about a ghost horse makes my GBS list.

“Ben” by Michael Jackson. Imagine the conversation between a record company executive and Jackson’s father/manager: “We want Michael to perform the title song for a movie about a killer rat.” Then imagine being Jackson’s father and saying “yeah, we’ll do it.” But the song is good, well, because it’s Michael Jackson.

“One Bad Apple” by The Osmonds. This video is 100 proof visual and audio badness.

You’re Having My Baby, by Paul Anka. This song is bad in so many ways — sexist and syrupy — including Anka’s oversized bell bottoms. Its badness was confirmed when it was voted the worst song of all time in a 2008 CNN poll.

“Ice Ice Baby” by Vanilla Ice. By the way, did you read this that Vanilla is advising President Trump on the location of the Trump presidential library? Enough said.

That’s my partial GBS list. Please send me your suggestions and I will tell you if you understand this important concept.